untitled

too hurt. too sad. all i want is him. i’m gone. i left that morning. that kiss goodbye. that goodbye sex. that last night with him. he held me so tightly. he sang to me. he held my hand and told me he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and now i’m gone. and now i’m hurting so much. he won’t stop hurting me until hes with me. he’s all i want.

i’d rather be treated like shit then like a princess so this wouldn’t hurt so bad. so this didn’t sting deep into my body, penetrating every inch of me. burning so badly that it takes my breath away. my heart won’t stop racing. why? over this guy. this guy who spent the night with me. who took me camping, who taught me things, showed me things, likes the same books an movies as I do and god why does this happen to me? why does this guy seem so perfect have to do this to me? why would he hold my hand and look at me like he did. why would he kiss me like he did? why would he say that we’re dating when obviously he doesn’t want anything to do with me. he has another girl and he took her side. there is no defending that action. there is no saving your ass on that one. but all i wanna do is go see him. all i wanna do is get in my car and drive to his house. i just want to be wrapped up in his arms sleeping and waking up iwith him still intertwined. this sounds all to familiar. im doing doing that again. im not waiting months, battling it out with other girls until he realizes i’.m the one he wants. he better decide…. if he hasn’t already. i hope he hasn’t already. i hope that i’m still a thought in his head. i hope he’s laying in bed wondering what to do and how he fucked things up so badly. he called me. he held my hand. he kisses me good bye. he spent the night with me. there has to be SOMETHING there. i know i’ve thought this before and now i’m really thinking that guys are good at faking emotions and pretending. i don’t know if anyone has actually been in love with me, actually liked me. so my blow jobs are that good huh? good enough to completely fake emotion to make it look like you actually care about me. how do you do that? how do you look into someones eyes with emotions and hold their so tightly and say “i miss you”.

FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT. FUCK you for hurting me FUCK you for lying to that bitch. fuck you for taking her side. fuck you for not responding, you pussy ass shit. fuck you for being so cute and strong and fuck you for being good to me. fuck you the most for being good to me. that makes this that much more complicated and confusing so i just wan to see you. sleep on your futon. hit you when you try . touch me. i hope you hit me back. i hope you give me a reason to hate you. i hope you hold me down and kiss me. i hope you try and win me back. i hope you do. though i know you wont.

If I was going down fast in an airplane and could make one last phone call to a loved one, it would be you. If I had one last gasping breath I would tell you that I still love you. I would want you to tell me you love me just one last time. Tell me I’m your favorite, just one more time. Because as much as I am over you, I still love you. I will always always always love you. The first time i’ve been able to look at you in over a year, and you still look at me like you did when we were in love. You still love me too, don’t you? I hope I’d be your last call, too.