untitled

trying too hard to stay connecting with those don’t matter. those who have caused pain or problems. trying to relive the moments that were great, trying to recreate the past. but it doesn’t work that way.

memories ingraved in my head with be sufficient, enough. nothing can take you back to old memories and nothing can change the past to make it easier to live with.

i need to stop torturing myself. stop being so hopeful. there’s not use. i have my man. and it may not be perfect, but sometimes the good times are really great. maybe he is right. i’m too pessimissitic and don’t see the good in our relationship. maybe if i would stop thinking about how much i want someone else and how much i would lose just to kiss him again, it would be better.

no more torture. this is the end of hating. this is the end of wanting.

i have what i have. i’m going to work. work. work. and focus on it. focus on working and loving the man i have. focus on loving my life for what is and not what i wish it was.

why would i want him, anyway? he does so much shit that i couldn’t handle in a relationship. maybe because deep down he’s the person i’d want to marry. the person i’d want to be with forever.

but he’s not there yet.

so i won’t forget him.

i’ll put him away, farrrr back in my memory. so if i want to so badly i can pull out the memories we’ve shared. i can pull out the night of fucked up love. it’s not love, but i can pretend it is. he was the best kisser, i have ever kissed. i’ll put him away. along with the old memories of N. N is gone forever. he is out. i don’t miss him, but i miss the way i felt when he was in my life.

i don’t need anyone. i’m just having a down moment. it’s the weather. but this is how it’s going to be… for a long, long time.

the work, the work, the work, and the weather.

this is it. this is my life. deal with it, girl. it’s a lot better than it could be.

you have someone who loves you, that should be enough.

stop. wanting.

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