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you like me, don’t you?

and I like you, don’t I?

I feel guilty… I feel bad. but i’m not doing anything too wrong, am I? I’m just hanging out with my best friend, right? I can’t tell you though… you would get mad and jealous. I’m just hanging out with him. Just going over late to watch movies. Just to fall asleep. That’s all.

But isn’t that the best part of a relationship? Is to fall asleep with them. I think so, at least.

I’m not doing anything wrong, though. I’m sure he’s gone to girls houses to watch movies. I’m sure he’s done worse. I’m not lying, i’m just not telling. The only reason i’m not telling is because he’ll be mad, not because I feel what i’m doing is wrong…

right?

But why don’t I think about him as much as I should? Why is the other boy on my mind more than him?

And why does this other boy always find a way to lay with me, when we start on opposite sides of the couch? He likes me, yeah. If he doesn’t, i’ll loose hope in humanity. Honestly, if he doesn’t like me… yet he makes and effort to get close and fall asleep with me… I’ll give up on love and what it’s really about.

No, I don’t love him. I’m just saying, though.

But we can’t be together, not now. I would hurt my best friend. My old best friends ( which I really couldn’t give a FUCK about. ) And my man. When will I be able to let him go? What will be the reason? Will it be because I like someone else… because a lot of the time, I am happy with him. We have fun. Sometimes I don’t feel like there isn’t anything there. Sometimes I hate him. But is that how all relationships are? I don’t know. I’m new at this shit. Being in one relationship for almost two years…. is that a good way to start? First scar is the deepest…. i know.

But what do i do now? Do i stop coming over? Do I stop asking him to hang out and tell him I can’t when he aks me? Can I actually do that? I don’t think I can. He never wants me to leave… and I never want to leave. “5 more minutes” turns into 10… that turns into 30… sometimes even another hour.

I feel guilty, but yet not at all at the same time. I can’t figure it out. I’m not doing anything wrong so that’s why I don’t feel guilty. I feel guilty because I like him.

I do, don’t I?

I don’t want to go to work, I just want to lay around in my pjs. Think about how much fun that one night was… and how wrong it was. Maybe it wasn’t worth it to him because we’re still not together, and won’t be. Because it was a teaser. Because it just made us realize how wonderfuly our lips fit together.

I feel like crying. I don’t know what my emotions and feelings are thinking. I don’t know what i’m thinking, either. I love a man. I can’t do this. I can’t fall in love with someone else. I can’t. It’s not fair for my man, for the other boy, or for me. It’s not fair for me at all. I’m torturing myself.

maybe he doesn’t like me. maybe i’m getting my hopes up.

Maybe i’ll never know.