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how do i not feel bad for what I have been doing? how do I not want to tell him? how do i want to stop and never do it again? what am i doing and where is this going?

because i told you i like you. and i’m sure you like me too. even though you can’t admit it, even though you sound unsure when you finally agreed. you didn’t have to say yes, you know. you didn’t have to. it’s okay. it really is. but doesn’t everything feel so perfect?

i love jumping in my car and driving to your house, so late at night. Parking and tip-toeing down your drive way, trying to avoid the censor lights. Opening the door as quietly as I can and sitting in my spot on the couch, while you’re in your spot. I love sitting across from you, sneaking glances at you. Making excuses to move closer, to fight over the blanket, the couch’s space, the pillows. He notices my cold toes and I say, “I always have cold fee….toes.” Funny how that comes up. Soon, but not soon enough, he manages to work his way to my side of the couch. Our legs become intwined and his arm on my stomach. Whatever we were watching, doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is his body against mine. His fingers playing with mine, his toes on mine, his breath on my neck, and even his finger circling my stomach. What really matters, doesn’t anymore. Because this boy seems to have this thing about him. This thing that draws me in and keeps me wanting more. Keeps me curious and interested. I don’t want people to know, this isn’t show and tale. I want this to be our little secret, (minus the best friend, who I HAVE to tell.) I don’t want to get hurt and jealous but I have a feeling eventually that will happen, and i’m okay with that. I’m okay with knowing i’ll be sad about this because at this moment this is what i want. This is what matters and this is what I want to do. I’m living my day as if it were my last, for once in my lifetime. Would I regret not lacing my fingers in between his ? what if I Were to get in an accident, i lost the feeling in my arms and hands. I would regret it. So, I do it. I lace your fingers in mine. I snuggle closer to your body. I forget about everything but you. But you, and but me. What matters is this hard lump growing behind me. What matters his your hips slowly thrusting against me. What matters is that I want it, so bad. I want that pressure against my hips. I want your hands to be on me. I want those violent kisses between best friends. This has happened two times before, and those are the best kisses you’ll ever get.

What matters? That we play around for a few minutes. Refusing to give each other a kiss because we both know it’s wrong. It’s wrong, but we’ve done it before. I can put my hand on his hard dick and get that feeling deep in my core. That feeling that I would really just love to… well, you get it. The first time he snuck a peck. I said, ” you can do that!” and he said, “i know.” we laughed it off. The second time while he layed on top of me, hard dick pressed against me and his eyes staring in to mine, mouthes only inches away, i snuck in a kiss. Not just a peck, either. We smiled, giggled and stopped even though we both know that we can’t. Later, more kisses on the lips of two best friends. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?! He says, “We are kissing.” I say, “I know.”

But this time was different. This time it took less playing and more doing.  Nothing would stand in our way. Not guilt or shame. Not anything. We kissed. We kissed for what seems like forever. The best kisses. The kisses with meaning, and power, and emotion. The kind where you just can’t stop. You want more and more and more and more and more. The tongues swirling in unison. Our lips, moving as one. This is perfect.  This is so perfect. Grinding against his sweaty body, my chest unrevealed. He grabs from time to time, but it seems like he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to. I do the honors and take off the first article of clothing. It doesn’t take him long to take of my bra. My small breasts are in the open, for him to hold, look at and suck on. Shortly after my mind is everywhere. Pieces of immagination and reality swarm together to make one big jumble, one big mess. I DOn’t know what i’m doing or how i’m doing it. But I am. I slide down and take of his shorts. Put his dick in my mouth and suck as hard as i can. It tastes so good, so unlike the one that is supposed to be in my mouth. It feels so right.  I stop for a little and take a breather. In between sucking, and kissing, and feeling, and giggling, i’m completely in love at this moment. Completely in love with this boy. This couch. This feeling. I missed this feeling, and I wish I could keep it now. Record it in my mind and replay it when I want to feel this way again.

our tops and bottoms lay on the floor below us. We lay, bellys touching, hiding under a spiderman blanket. I ask, “should we really do this?” He says, “it’s up to you.” i’m half tempted to to just shove it in me. To let him have his way with me. But I can’t. For some reason, I can’t do it yet. I don’t want sex to become meaningless to me. Even though every one of my cells and organs and tissues are screaming with emotion, i’m not sure if he feels the same. I ask him if he likes me and he looks unsure. He hesitates and says yes. I say are you sure, he says yes. I ask if he’s lying, he says no. I ask if he promises, he says yes.

I don’t really take promises in to consideration. i’m broking a 100 before and don’t doubt that most of the promises i have made with people have too, been broken.

but we don’t. we don’t do it. we lay there, smiling, slipping kisses in skimming finger tips across each others bare skin. i told him ill make him cum, before we leave. he says how. I say however you want. I slide down and suck hard and long. My neck hurts, it’s kinked. My jaw hurts, his dick is so big. I slide it down as far as I can. I feel his legs tense up and I know it’s working. He rubs my neck and my back and it feels so comforting. I feel a burst of warm salty sweet thick substance. I take a swallow, trying not to gag. It’s’ not too bad. Not as bad as the other boys. I take another swallow, and then move the head to the back of my throat and continue swallowing, not to allow it on my tongue and taste buds.

It’s over, and i’m exhausted. I’m panting and he hands me some water. Wow. what did I do? I did what my body told me to do. I followed my heart and not my brain. I followed my hands as the moved down his body. I followed my lips on his and my eyes looking into his. I did what I wanted and didn’t let anything stand in my way, including my boyfriend.

We got dressed, smiled, and laughed. We tip toed out of his house and he opened the door for me and stepped out side. He gave me a big hug. I gave him a big kiss. His breath exhaled and we kissed again. And I inhale a big breath of fresh air and we kiss again, inhaling and exhaling the air of a 3 o clock morning. The morning air of a school day starting in 4 hours. The air of two kids being kids. A girl and a boy, hopefully with a mutual attraction.

I wake up 3 hours later and go back to bed and skip the first class of the day. My dad is angry, telling me I wasn’t home even at 4 am, which isn’t true. I can’t do this on school nights, at least with out my release.

He asked me how my day was, because he cares.

I said, ” i had fun last night.”

He said, ” me too :)”

and I can’t wait to kiss him, again.