untitled

If you some how find this, and think it's me. Don't tell me you know. Don't tell anyone you know. Because this is something I wish I could let my friends see... but they can't. I love life. I'm taking this thing one step a time because I don't know what i'm doing. If you want to read along and follow my confusion, then go right ahead.

really now?

Posted 2 years ago

I broke up with him. I couldn’t keep doing that to him. I couldn’t keep doing it to myself.

And now I miss him more then ever. Why do I always want somethign I can have? But I would still have the same problems. He still doesn’t have anything going for his life and for himself, nor do i feel sexually attracted to him, and i’m tired of helping him and don’t have enough time. But now that He’s gone i feel that I have nothing to do with my free time.

And you, you peice of shit. I’m falling for you so hard, and now that i’m single and can kiss you without feeling like shit, you want nothing to do with me. Oh really? That’s how it’s supposed to be? You want me to cheat on my boyfriend with you, but the minute i’m single you run away. You don’t want a relationship with me. WELL GUESS WHAT MOTHER FUCKER. I don’t want one with you. You must be completely insane to think that. For one, all of my friends would be pissed at me. For two, i’m not over my ex yet, and can’t just move on like that. Three, you’re just like him, but worse. You’re doing drugs like theres no tomorrow and I don’t want to have to fix your life… too.

But thanks. Thanks for those nights where I would stay up till 3 in the morning to lay with you and suck your dick. Thanks for denying that you like me. You’re so fucking scared, arn’t you? You can’t even admit to yourself you like me. You run at the thought of a relationship. Good job. Keep running. You’ll never get anywhere.

My brain feels like it’s going to explode. Constant thoughts and memories are flowing through and fro. Reminding me of what a mistake I might have made. Reminding me that I still love him. REminding me that all of the other guys are ass holes. Keep reminding me of how messed up this is. Please. It’s just great, it really is sjust great. My tear ducts burn from too many tears flowing from my eyes. Even my cat knows, when I start crying she looks up at me and gets closer. She knows it’s hard, why can’t anyone else seem to think so? This is harder than anything. All I want is to go to his fucking house and watch a movie with him. All I want is for him to tell me he likes me. ALl I want is for him to get his fucking shit together so we can live happily ever after. And I know that wont happen. I know it wont. And that’s the hardest part about this. I can’t move on. and neither an he. But we have to. I have to. I don’t know what to do.

i’m a fucking train wreck.