untitled

If you some how find this, and think it's me. Don't tell me you know. Don't tell anyone you know. Because this is something I wish I could let my friends see... but they can't. I love life. I'm taking this thing one step a time because I don't know what i'm doing. If you want to read along and follow my confusion, then go right ahead.

i don’t know what i’ve done

Posted 2 years ago

or if i like what i’ve become.

this isn’t me. but i think i’m okay with it. i’m growing up and trying to move on.

i’ve never been more deppressed. tears overcome me multiple times aday. just thinking about you and everything we’ve done together. all of the wonderful times i’ve spent wrapped in your arms. all of the times you were there for me. the smiles you’ve broughten me and the tears, too. but you lied to me. so much. i can’t do it. i want you to be happy and have a wonderful life, but i’m not going to be in it. i can’t live my life with someone who can’t even admit to their lies. that’s the problem. if he could admit to it, maybe we’d still be together. but no, he can’t keep a job, or a house, or anything. i can’t be with someone like that forever. he can’t hold me down. and i hope he finds an amazing girl. someone who will love him forever and be there for him, forever. i hope he doesn’t lie to her. and doesn’t ruin it with her, too..

and i know that i’ll never find someone who will love me like he did. i know that. and i hope i’m not making the wrong decision. but it’s the only thingi can do right now.

and i’m not dealing with it the correct way. trying to find a new boy every week isn’t the way to deal with this. trying to move on by having sex with a boy who can’t admit he likes me isn’t the right way. and getting with the hot football players and being sad later, that they don’t give a shit, isn’t a good way either. but that doesn’t hurt me. O hurts me at times. because i do like him, a lot. and i don’t want to like anyone. i don’t want to go through that again, not until its time to be in love with a MAN. i can’t be in love with boys addicted to sex and drugs. i need a man who will be there for me and take care of me and support me.

but i need to find myself. because right now i have no idea who i am or where i’m going with life. all i know is that i should.

and this is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to go through in life. i’m fucking depressed.

i love you, ex boyfriend, forever.